Cuddling an 18 Year Old

Recently I've been waking up too early wanting to climb into bed with Ike and cuddle him. 

I haven't done it. Yet. 

In 5 weeks he leaves for college. Roland has been saying, for months now, that this will be a tough transition for me. My friend, Shireen, is welcoming me to Act 3. When I googled "Checklist for College" I found lots of articles about how parents can survive leaving their child at college. And I laughed. I have already taken 3 kids to college. It was fun! It was exciting! There was lots of shopping involved! 

But this is different from when Hannah, Gabe, and Noah left. 

1. They were a 1 hour flight away. Now they are a 24 hour flight away. And if the plane is broken I don't even know how many days that takes on a boat! 
2. I left them at college and rushed back home to focus my parenting laser-beam at the next child in line.  Ike is the last child in line.
3. Each time I dropped a kid off at college my little brain told me that they were still all mine and when they came home for Christmas it would all be the same. But that little voice was wrong. It is wonderful and astonishing when they come home but as they say, "you can never go home again. "

So I am milking each moment and fighting the urge to smother him with motherly affection. 

The old lady in the grocery store was right. 

This happened too fast. 

Condolences on Your Baby's Birthday

Ike-age 5

Someone needs to make a greeting card for the grieving parent of an 18 year old baby.

The 18th birthday of your last child is much like the 1st birthday of your first child:

• You are astonished that it happened so fast
• You wonder how you survived the first year (or 18 years)
• You realize that this is a huge moment in time, a reference point for the rest of your life
• There is cake
• And lots of wrapping paper
• You look at your husband and say "I can't believe we are at this stage of life!"

Except, at the 1st birthday party there are decorations, invitations, cards, wrapping paper and even birthday candles that say, "Baby's 1st Birthday!" It is mostly a party for the parents to celebrate that the child is healthy and happy and they haven't made any major parenting mistakes.

But lets say that you have 4 children and that last baby is finally 18, a day you thought would never come, there are no cards for that.

There needs to be a card for that. Something that says, "With Loving Thoughts on your Baby's 18th  Birthday". On the inside of the card it could say, "Although it may feel like the end of the world when this perfectly wonderful person you raised leaves you for what he thinks are much greener pastures, remember that he will always come back for money."

Or something like that.

Ike- 18 years old today. 

The Blessing of a Good Book

Blessings of a B Minus - Using Jewish Teachings to Raise Resilient Teenagers

I've never been a big fan of parenting books. I think that most of the time, if you are focused and prayerful and working as a team with your spouse you can do a better job than a book written by an author who doesn't know you or your kid. 

BUT - this book is different!  

I recommend this book to anyone who has or will have a teenager. I've already raised 3 teenagers and am right in the middle of the 4th and this book still has awesome information and helpful suggestions. 

One of things she talked about is how your home is a container for the family (related to chores for your kids). And she used a phrase that has become my little mantra this past week:

Create Order

Those two little words got me organizing the:

pantry

kitchen desk

kitchen cupboards

storage shelves in the laundry room

2 dressers

the craft drawers

and more...

And you know what? I feel like a better mom when I've created order. I feel like I can focus on the kids and what they need. 

Really be there - alert and present.

She also wrote a book:

It's geared towards the younger family and if it is anything like the B- book, I highly recommend it too! Yes, it is at the library!

Going Alone

You'd think I'd be use to this by the third one.

Last night Noah's college called to help him arrange his housing as an incoming freshman. They want to put him on the dorm floor with the "art" students. He handled the whole call very professionally while I hovered.

He has a piano competition this weekend. It's only about 30 minutes from home. Today he asked me if I would mind too much if he goes to the competition himself. Without us. Alone.

There is a family of advanced pianists that we see at all the competitions. They have 5 children, 2 of which are in their early 20's . They go to all the competitions together and support each other, even though the older ones are too old to compete. They taught Noah to wear gloves to competitions and bring hot water bottles to keep your hands loose. The mom and oldest daughter do beautiful detailed crocheting while they wait for everyone to compete. They will all be at the competition on Saturday.

Noah:  "Because I'm going to college this year, I think I need to do this competition alone. If I win, then you'll come to the winner's concert on Sunday. Okay?"
Me, acting like this is normal: "Sure, honey."
Noah: "I'm not sure how to get there."

Parenting Tip - two-fer-one!

Burr!  Baby, it's cold outside.

I got this picture off the internet. Too busy feeding my family to stage this.

Feed your family a nice warm breakfast full of mommy love and brain building nutrients. Fill their tummies with comfort food that will stick with them a few hours. Save the cold cereal for spring. Get up a few minutes early and make some oatmeal or cream of wheat. It only takes 5 minutes once the water boils.

I take mine with honey (and a touch of butter if I have abandoned my "healthy eating program" ) but the boys like brown sugar on theirs. You can add fresh fruit, berries, nuts, raisins, dried cranberries, cinnamon red hots are a fun addition. We rotate rolled oats with steel cut oats (Irish) and Coach's Oats (available at costco). We don't do quick oats - too mushy.

Variety is the spice of life - right? So here are some other easy warm breakfasts:

• French toast - use thick slices of bread and let them soak in the eggs for a minute or two, then cook on medium low heat until done - the inside of the bread will be custard-like. A perfect meal for non-egg eaters.
• Whole wheat pancakes - pancakes are really easy and whole wheat pancakes stick with you for hours. The recipe posted below is delicious. Top pancakes with peanut butter and syrup if you like.
  
• Scrambled eggs with a bit of shredded cheese 

 

Additional Tip! 2 for 1:

Breakfast isn't haphazard anymore. You are going to implement a routine and standard for breakfast. You will all eat together, at the table, and while the kids eat mom or dad will read aloud. You can read from the scriptures, or a book (Charlie's Monument is good), or magazines (this is how the New Era gets read at our house).   

The point is that you get some safe wholesome family time before you send your kiddos out into the world.

Remind them how good it is at home and prepare them for the day with physical and spiritual nourishment and huge dose of mother love.

It really is worth getting up 15 minutes earlier to do this. 
........................
Really Good Whole Wheat Pancakes:
2 cups ww flour
2T sugar
2t baking powder
1/2 t soda
1 t salt
2 cups milk
2 eggs
2 T melted butter
I mix the dry ingredients and keep them ready to go. Just add 2 cups of dry mix to the wet ingredients. Quick and easy.

.............................

What are your easy warm breakfast ideas?

Parenting Tip

Brag about your kids in front of them.

It's best to do this with Grandma on the phone. If you can't get grandma on the phone when the bragging needs to happen, try a sister, or friend. My husband travels a lot so I brag to him on the phone:

Ike gives me hugs and kisses everyday! And he smells good! (Unusual for a 13 year old boy.)

Can't get ANYONE on the phone? Fake a call. I have never done this, but you could if you are desperate:

"Oh hi mom! I just wanted to tell you how lucky I am to have Noah for a son. Today he brought in the trash can without being asked! I know, right? OK, that's all! Bye!"

Then you turn around and act surprised that Noah is standing there. Or you could brag on your blog:

My daughter (insert darling picture of Hannah here) is a senior at BYU and holds a job, and is nice to her 2 crazy-for-coco-puffs roommates. And she gave me a great Christmas present: a custom made herbal tea kit!

Or you can brag via text and "accidentally" include the child in the send list:

gabe at college. makes me lol. makes me :)

However you do it, let your kids hear you tell someone else something nice about them.

Do it today!

Everybody Wang Chung Tonight

Gabe is now an official student at Mesa State College in Grand Junction Colorado (insert darling picture of his college ID card here). Wahoo! Go Mavs! I am blogging from the hotel lobby so I can't upload all the pictures of his Handsomeness.

Enrolling your first child in college is stressful, scary, and emotional. But the second child is easy and fun. I just sat on a soft chair in the lobby and let him take care of all the details and decisions, running back and forth between academic advising, the registrar and the housing office. He was stressed, I was happy.

Tonight I had the surreal experience of shopping with Gabe in Zumiez. We were surrounded by uber hip college students. The store was playing Duran Duran (Relax, Don't Do It - who knew that song was so nasty? not me!), Boy George, and Wang Chung. I knew those kids didn't even notice me, the tired mom, until I whipped out my debit card (Whip It! Whip It Good). But that was my college music! I was their age when it came out! I danced to their "vintage pop" when it was fresh! That music was part of the soundtrack from Roland and my courtship! How could they know, looking at me in my brown capris, flip flops (thongs!), and reading glasses, that I was cool before their parent's even thought of them! It will just have to be my little secret.

Gabe said his roommates have posters of girls with beer bottles in their cleavage. Sigh.

Letters to a Parent

If you have kids, or have ever had kids, you will like the blog Letters to a Parent. My very bossy sister, Emily, told me to send an essay I wrote into the blog and it published today. Read my essay and leave a wonderful comment for me please.

Then read the other essays. It doesn't matter what you are going through as a mom, there is an essay there for you. If you have been freaking out or yelling too much - there is a post on that. Are you upset at your mom about something she did? - there is a post on that. Are you a proud momma bear? - yup, a post on that.

Then I challenge you to write your own letter and send it in.

The Smell of Morning

The smell of morning hits me at 5:35 AM. It floats down the hall from my teenager's bedroom, taps me on the shoulder and says, "Get up and make him breakfast, for crying out loud."

"It" is Tag, Midnight - to be exact. It is as essential to a young man's wardrobe as his pants are. Maybe even more essential. It is applied, right after showering, in such a dose that you can smell it through the entire house. In fact, sometimes I can even smell it in the garage. It's not really that bad when you consider the alternative armpit/tennis shoe smell.

When Tag goes on sale we buy in bulk. Usually the Midnight scent is the first to go at Walmart (always the best price at Walmart - Walmart shoppers wear Tag) so whenever we see it, we grab a can. I don't mind doing this, considering the alternative. Sometimes, after the kids are gone to school I wander into their rooms, tidying up (like twice a year) and catch that scent and smile. When I was their age the perfume of choice was "Wild Musk" if you were a make-out, or "Love's Baby Soft", if you were sweet and innocent. (I wore Sweet Honesty - by Avon.)

I know why they wear the scent. They want to be liked. A lot. By girls. They have seen this ad. They have never actually seen a girl at their school act like these aggressive little tarts. But, you never know. It could happen.

Talent Show

Have you been to a High School Talent Show lately? Its nothing like High School Musical. I'm telling ya.

Last night I went to the LHS talent show. My son was playing a piece by Rachmaninoff. He was towards the end of the 2 1/2 hour show in a stuffy, hot auditorium packed tight with hormone riddled teenagers and supportive parents.

It was like being in a Karaoke bar filled with love sick teenagers. Girls wobbled onto stage in ridiculously high heels. They would strike a pose, usually semi-sad, and wait for the sound track to start. The boys mostly played the guitar, same 3 chords, and sang songs about their girlfriends. The girl friends would scream.

It was much like the American Idol Auditions, complete with horrible performances. One couple sang about sex, whiskey, and suicide. It was the saddest song I ever heard at a High School. I started to feel like Simon, Paula, and Randy. I started to feel sorry for myself that I had to sit through hours of nervous, off key, emotional performances. Then I started to notice what was really going on.

Each act, no matter how nerdy, boring, or botched, got huge screaming applause. Performers entered the stage scared witless and left the stage feeling like THE American Idol. These kids were laying it out on the line and they were loved for it. Like the Grinch, my heart grew 2 sizes last night. I wanted to hug each girl and tell her how beautiful she was. I wanted to high five each boy and tell him, "Good job!".

I'm glad this was a show and not a contest. How could you declare a winner? Is it the kid who practices violin, piano, or guitar 2 hours a day and plays a perfectly breathtaking piece and gets a standing ovation? Or is it the kid who has never done this before, almost backs out at the last minute, maybe forgets a few lyrics, and gets a standing ovation?

Actually, I know who the winner was. Me.

The F Word

I wrote this in Febuary 2007.

Feb 6, 2007

On Sunday evening I went in to tuck in Ike and found him crying in bed. He told me that an 8th grader has been mean to him after he gets off the school bus. He called Ike a faggot (sorry, it is a very bad word and from now on we will call it the F word, the other f-word) and was going to kick his a$$. Well, we can't have that.

Yesterday Gabe went to pick up Ike because I was at DIA getting Hannah. I made Gabe promise not to talk to the bully. He didn't talk to the bully and Ike made it home safely.

So today I found out who the boy's mom was (information readily supplied by the other bus stop moms) and with Ike by my side, and in a careful voice and manner, we told her what was going on. She lashed out at me rudely and told me that was because Ike had called her 1st grader a f-word. I looked at Ike, who looked shocked, and asked him if he did that. He said nothing. I asked again and he said nothing. Finally I asked him to apologize. He apologized and then I asked the mom to please call off her 8th grader. She seemed appeased but very unpleasant.

As we walked home Ike began to cry again and told me that he didn't call the 1st grader a f-word but he did kinda tease him because he was playing with a girl's toy. So we had a little lesson on why it is important to tell the truth all the time, even if you are accused of something you didn't do.

After we got home I found out that yesterday when Gabe picked up Ike one of the bus stop moms told Gabe and his friend Brock who the bully was. Brock approached the bully and asked if he knew who had been picking on Ike, because Ike's big brother was looking to rough him up a little and make him stop. The bully said he didn't know who it was.

So this is what I imagine happens at the bully house tonight: Mom comes home and yells "you little f-word! Ima whip your a$$! You got me yelled at today at the bus stop!" and then the bully says, "Mom! Dude! his big brother is gonna get me! everyone is talking about it" then tomorrow she shows up at the bus stop with a baseball bat to get revenge on me for her older son.

This probably ends with the husbands having a throw down in the round-about.

The happy ending to this story is that a few months later the bully moved out and we all celebrated.

Mother's Day in September

I have been at an interesting parenting phase for the last few months. I swing between feeling like I can't wait until all my kids are grown and gone, leaving me with a calm clean organized house and lots of me time, and feeling like I want to freeze time so they won't ever leave me alone in a lonely boring dull home where nothing fun ever happens.

I have had these feelings for about 20 years (this April 6) but I have never had them so strongly, so close to when the empty house is a distinct possibility. The reason I dream of their departure is obvious. They are pigs. They eat everyplace and tuck the wrappers in any crevice; they drop stuff (backpacks, dirty socks, dumbbells) in the middle of the kitchen, hall, family room; they pee all over the bathroom. They leave a path of destruction and dirt. They yell and stomp and roughhouse. They slam the toilet lid, they leave the garage door open all night, they eat the food I am saving for a special meal, they play their music too loud. They exclaim that there is “Nothing To Eat!” the day after I drop $600 on convenience food at Costco. They say they took out the trash when they didn't. They unload the measuring cups into the silver wear drawer and the pots and pans into the Tupperware cupboard. They constantly ask for food, "what's for dinner?" is the Smith Family Motto. They are stinky. They have their friends over and loudly dominate the house. They complain.

But then they make up for it in the most ridiculous way. Like fighting over who opens my car door, or playing with my hands during church and then slouching way down on the pew so they can rest their huge heads on my shoulder. They get sick in the middle of the night and only feel comforted when I tuck their 6'4" bodies under the covers and they sigh and say, "Thanks Mom”. They hug me until I can hardly breathe and then pat me on the head and say, "How's my little mommy?" while smiling down at me indulgently. They sing "Ooo, Ahhh. Isn't she beautiful!" when I walk into the room. They brag to their friends about what a good cook I am. They watch me during movies (and commercials) to see if I am teary eyed, and if I am, they exchange a look that says, "She’s a softie".

They know I will let them have the crowd at our house and are proud to introduce me to their friends. They seek my approval of their latest song, basketball trick, or academic accomplishment. They shovel down the entire meal while exclaiming about how great it tastes. They tell me about how strong and cool and brave they are while they flex their new muscles for me. They check to see if I was watching when they made the goal. They share secrets late at night while I sit on the edge of their bed. They tell jokes, act goofy and do silly dances and skits to make me laugh. They pick me flowers. And the first thing they do when they come home is go to the bathroom, then they find me.

So for now, I will continue to swing between the ideal tidy fantasy of having an empty house, and the noisy chaotic reality of having teenage boys. Deep down I know that this time is short, smelly and full of crumbs, but preciously short. So I will continue to step over that sweatshirt, and turn a blind eye to the messy bedroom. I will keep practicing patience and smile and shrug when I am outnumbered and overwhelmed. I will remind myself that I will have a calm orderly life later. Right now I need to buy more food.

Wake and Worry

I wake and worry at 4:00 AM.

I didn't use to W&W. I use to sleep blissfully through the night without a care or worry. Now I suddenly wake at 4:00 with an urgent need to change the world, or at least my children's world. But there is really not much you can do at 4:00 AM is there?

So I make mental lists. I pray. I resolve to do things better, to say/do the perfect thing that will miraculously change everything. I think of possibilities. I distract myself by planning vacations, or gardens, or figuring out how much weight I can loose by Christmas. Sometimes I just get up and start the laundry. But mostly I just lay there and worry and try to fall asleep.

What time do you Wake and Worry?

Do's and Don'ts for High School Registration

I volunteered to work at High School registration yesterday - the day the juniors registered. Here are a few Do's and Dont's for the parents:

Dont's
Don't go to registration with your teenager.
Don't answer questions directed to your teenager.
Don't curse at your teenager for losing his science text book last year ($75).
Don't send your teenager to registration without money for the fees (average was $175).
Don't gripe about the registration fee. You had the sex, then the baby. Pay for it.

Do's
Do encourage your teenager to find a locker mate BEFORE registration.
Do let your teenager do this alone.

A Few Statistics According to Robin:
1/3 of the students bought pictures ($45)
1/4 of the students bought yearbooks ($65)
1/5 of the students bought parking passes ($40)
1/6 of the students bought activity passes ($40)
ALL of the students (except 2 that were grounded) had the permission slip to leave campus at lunch.

Most of the kids were well dressed.

Birds and Bees Talk

Have you had the Sex Ed talk with your kids yet? No? Well then, listen up. The following information is strictly my opinion, which is rarely wrong.

A Few Tips on Family Sex Ed:

• Get the information to them before the world gets to them. Unfortunately, with the sexualization of our children, they need correct information at a much younger age than you did. If you teach them a healthy view of sex at a young age, then when they are exposed to stories, lyrics, or movies, they are in a position of power and confidence. They are equipped to make the right choices.
  

• Your kids need to see you as a great resource, especially in this area. Approach the topic in an easy manner. Let them know, by your attitude, that talking to you about this is not a big deal.
  
• Side note: My parents were real cool about this. I could ask them anything and I did. I asked them what swear words meant (yes, they explained lots of stuff to me), and what certain gestures meant. They always responded calmly and never interrogated me on where I was picking up this stuff. They were approachable.

• Get this book: "Growing Up: Gospel Answers about Maturation and Sex" - by Brad Wilcox.

I searched bookstore after bookstore for a book about sex that would reinforce the values we were teaching our children. Most of the books took a very worldly and liberal view of sex. This book was perfect.

Read it first and then give it to your child to read, or read it with your child. Let them ask questions and answer them pleasantly (see #2). Leave this book laying around for a few years. Put it in the bookshelf with the Harry Potter books. Later on, get it out and leave it on the kitchen counter for a few days.

There you have it. My approach to Sex Ed. Still have questions? Ask away, I am approachable on this topic.

Back to School Shock

Back to school shopping shocks me every year. I always think the supplies are going to cost about $10 per kid. I mean, we are buying the .20 glue and the 1.15 notebooks at Walmart right? So I am shocked when it ends up being $75 per kid and that doesn't include the back to school outfit and new shoes.

Then there is the hassle of making sure you have every little thing on the list (does anyone really use the pink pearl erasers? Really?).

This year I was shocked because the boys were able to pick out their own school supplies and check off their own list. I had to put Ike's Barbie binder back - Barbie is his equivalent of a Pin Up Girl. And I made Noah swap the expensive Uni-ball pens for Bics, but otherwise they did a great job.

But the real shock was that during the shoe buying trip I actually found myself buying shoes for ME! The boys were able to pick out their own shoes and I was barely needed to hover - so I found myself at the Women's Size 11 sale rack.

The cutest back to school shoes I ever had!

Back to school shopping suddenly became much more enjoyable!

Mother's Day Mystery!

I have a dear friend in Boise who hates mother's day (you know who you are) she also hates to be recognized. She feels that Mother's day never really lives up to all the hype and then you go to church to and feel guilty after all the talks on perfect mothers. I lovingly disagree with her and this is why: The boys will do anything, and I mean anything, I want. Like. cheerfully go on a Mother's day walk in the Black Forest.

I get phone calls from Hannah, Gabe and my own mom!

I get candy (gummy worms - yum. my favorite?) Yes that is me with curlers in my hair. Now you know all my beauty secrets.

An unfortunate side effect of eating too many gummy worms.

Thoughtful tender cards, carefully chosen to express loving appreciation.

Wonderful breakfast and dinner made by 11 and 15 year old boys.



Breakfast was beautiful and delicious.


I think I got Grilled Cheese and Tomato soup because they figured if I make it all the time I must LOVE it.



And finally - tonight is a big surprise. I don't know what it is but the boys seem pretty excited about it. At first I thought it might be the puppy that I am forbidden of by Roland ("I forbid you to get a dog. No dog." He said, with a serious face.).

I had a wonderful time imagining all the fun we would have with my mother's day puppy. And then I realized, after pumping the kids for information, that it wouldn't be a puppy. So I am very intrigued by the surprise tonight. Roland said I have to leave the house at 5:50, looking fairly cute, and walk with the boys to a surprise location here in the neighborhood. It involves other women in the neighborhood who have no clue what is up either.

It is a Mother's Day Mystery! I will take my camera so you can see what it is!

Family Meeting

Dad leaves town and the kids don't even know until he has been gone for 2 days. "Where's dad?", they ask vaguely, as if something is missing.

Mom leaves town and there are a huge list of instructions, emergency phone numbers posted by every phone, neighbors, friends and authorities are notified, and finally there is the Family Meeting. Last night Roland called the Family Meeting: "When I leave town, it's no big deal - But mom is leaving so we need to go over these charts, schedules, and graphs." The meeting was 25 minutes long.I am leaving for BYU Women’s Conference today. Yay for me! One of the things I get to do there (besides hang out with Hannah, Sally and sweet baby Lainey and be "spiritually fed") is go to Blogapolooza, a party for about 50 bloggers that know each other and some how I got invited (thanks to Sally), and meet lots of cool bloggers. I’m SO excited.

The boys act like they devastated, but I know the truth – they are thrilled I am leaving. It is going to be one big par-tay. Here is a short list of all the perks of having mom gone:

1. Burritos 3 x a day
2. Ike can wear the same clothes until Sunday
3. Paper plates – no one needs to do dishes
4. Music of your choice as loud as you want on the surround sound speakers – all day.
5. Panda, Sonic, Taco Bell, Pizza Hut and Culvers
   
6. Wii 24/7
7. Long hot showers without mom banging on the bathroom door
8. No chores on Saturday AM
9. No homework
10. No piano practice
11. No wiping kitchen counters or sweeping the floor
12. No lifting the toilet seat (who am I kidding – this rarely happens when I’m home)
13. No bed making
14. TV on during the daytime

I get home Sunday afternoon. So if you drop by on Sunday morning there will be a flurry of activity for about 2 hours as they try to make the house look presentable for me. I really do appreciate it when they do that. And it makes them feel so happy to trick me into thinking that while I was gone everything was NORMAL.

If you see my boys looking ragged and hungry, toss them a PBJ. Thanks.