My Mom, a cheerful happy woman.
Did she ever feel like a Martyr? Probably but she hid it well.
I think I found a way to stop the inevitable dramatic breakdown that follows the martyr. Just slip away, for me it is into my bedroom, and do something nice for yourself ( a good book). This only works if you aren't trying to pull something off at the last minute, because you need time for it to work. So you have to be ahead of the game and get stuff done early. For example -yesterday was a snow day so I decided to get a jump on making Christmas cookies for Noah's recital. 15 minutes into the big task Noah disappeared and I couldn't get anyone to help me without being forceful/manipulative (Little Red Hen Syndrome is a gateway drug to Martyrdom).
I started muttering martyr-style and then realized what I was doing. I went to my room for a time out and read. Finally, attitude improved, I started on the cookies again and tried to appreciate the bizarre modern music Noah was pounding out on the piano.
Also, working out really hard helps calm down my inner martyr. It soothes the Martyr Beast.
What do you do when martyr feelings hit and you have no time for a preventative time out? How do you cope? I worry that this might happen tomorrow, or Sunday, and probably on Monday, and possibly on Tuesday. How do you stop the martyr in it's tracks?
10 comments:
I often feel this way too. I've decided I try to do too much. If no one will help make the cookies, just buy some. I feel just as good going to a good bakery and there is no stress on me. I'm trying this year to do less and not do the things no one cares about but me. Leaving a hot cocoa bar on the counter and then sitting down with mine is a lovely little release. I also started watching Downton Abbey while folding clothes. Working out just makes me mad. :) I think planning a trip with your friend would help too. Much to look forward to!
There is medicine for that sort of thing.
Aunt Kathy, Are you talking about birthcontrol? Cause that ship already sailed.
Birth control. ha ha ha.
hahaha birth control. hilarious.
If I really do feel like a martyr, I usually yell a little. sometimes a lot. I don't recommend it, it's not nice and makes everyone upset.
Sometimes I tell my kids about how I feel, not in a it's-your-fault way, but in a matter of fact way: there is a lot to do and I can't do it all myself. I feel overwhelmed and frustrated. Sometimes is actually works! But usually they reply with "Remember you said you would make cookies and I could have all my friends over? remember? MOM."
PS I think you are so awesome. I wish I could help you make cookies.
Feeling like "poor me" is something I have felt, often.I find if I am neglecting my health and sleep taking care of others is so much harder. Perspective really is everything though. I try to remind myself, " I choose this life". I try to simplify where I can, because I have a doctorate from the school of "if it can be done, it is meant to be overdone." I have heard to not get lost in the thick of thin things. People in our lives matter MOST. What I would not give to have our son still with us, so getting to do things for those in our lives is really a blessing. Hug them all while you can. You are an amazing mother Robin, your family is so blessed for all you do for them. Give yourself some well deserved recognition for ALL you do.
Put on some perfume.
Chew gum.
Put on some upbeat music ( the piano pounding prevents this in you case), or:
. Put on noise canceling headphones & listen to your favorite music or better yet, an audio book while you're making those cookies or vacuuming.
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This takes your mind off you & puts it elsewhere...If ANYONE approaches you with that "pay attention to me" look, while doing this glare at them, shake your head "no," & fiercely use your pointer finger (not the middle one, thank you, regardless of how much you'd like to use it) indicating "go away!'
.....Gosh I wish I'd had earphones & audio books when I was your age.
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Martyr? me? never..... well o.k., sometimes, perhaps lots of times, but mostly I'd go to bed hours after everyone else & silently cry myself to sleep. <--
......Don't do that! Given the chance to redo so many years, I'd order home delivery pizza or take you kids to McDonald's for dinner. I'd still stay up late making the toffee, wrapping presents, or finishing the home sewn doll clothes. Then I'd slug the person in bed next to me & tell him what a selfish person he was & that I was mad as H---.
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YOU, however are married to Roland who is an awesome husband who helps & listens when he is around, which I know he wishes were more often.
He is a wonderful husband & I love that you have each other.
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I loved being your mother & love that you & your siblings are following the pattern I set, & before me the one my mother & father set..
xoxoxo
Oh,I can so relate to this post. I have to battle the martyr beast not just during Christmastime but all year round. The best solution I've found is to wait until I WANT to do the laundry, clean the house, or whatever. Less gets done but if I' m happier it's worth it, right?
Sadly, I rarely feel like a martyr because I expect so little of myself. It's sad, but I do what I have to in order to survive. And I don't think my kids notice because as long as we do all the traditions, they don't care if the gingerbread is homemade (as if!) or if the candy is from the nice candy store or the drug store where I'm picking up my happy pills anyway!
I could give a class on underachieving. But if I did a class that would maybe achieve something. Love your blog Robin, and Noah's concert sounds so cool!
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