She wrote me because she is worried about her middle school son who, for various reasons, suddenly finds himself with no friends. He has lost his interest in football and doesn't want to play. She talked him into playing, hoping it will help him make friends and find a group to belong to. She is worried that the only friend he has made is a "skinny goofy nerd". She asked what can she do to help him make friends and find his place.
I'm pretty sure she isn't the only Mom going through this, especially now, at the beginning of the school year. I don't consider myself to be the fountain of wisdom on any parenting dilemma, but I have gone through this 4 times now and learned a few things. I thought I'd share them with you.
Dear Blog Buddy,
Your son is 12-13 years old right? I think this behavior is very normal for that age. Of my four kids only one of them sailed through middle school easily. The other three struggled in ways that tore me up. One thing I realized, finally after the second child, is that there is absolutely nothing I can do to get my child in with the fun trendy hip crowd. There is no way I can make friends for him. Most of my social/friendshipping advice comes from a place so foreign to him that he won’t even try it.
You’ve heard people bemoan teenagers and one of the reasons is because suddenly your child has situations where you can’t influence or control the outcome. It’s very hard to sit by and watch your child struggle to find himself, especially when you would do anything to protect him from harm.
Here are a few things I have learned from the last 4 kids:
Trust him to do the right thing for himself. After the season, if he is still not interested in football, let him drop it. Tell him you are glad he tried it. Wait until next year to ask if he wants to play again in the fall and if he doesn’t cheerfully say “yes!” then drop it and never bring it up again. Let him know that each child in your family has to have one extra curricular activity be it choir, band, swim team, drama, ski team, chess club, student council, archery, track, math club, kayaking, academic decathlon, or climbing. There are other ways to make friends, work on a team, learn about a skill, and have opportunities to lead than football. Scouting – if you have a good leader – can be a huge blessing.
Embrace the "skinny goofy nerd". Invite his friend to a movie with your family. But do this carefully. Sometimes when parents focus on friends (Did you make a new friend? Who did you sit with at lunch? Why don’t you hang out with so and so? Oh – that guy looks so nice – why don’t you make friends with him?) it makes the child wonder what is wrong with them that they aren’t Mr. Popularity and why is mom so obsessed with his social life? Parents may not care if he hangs with the popular crowd (usually not the best choice), but he cares and having a parent focused on his ability to navigate socially doesn’t help.
Focus on his good traits. Instead of worrying about his failure to make friends (because he will eventually just start telling you what you want to hear, or he will just feel bad about himself – or both) focus on the good. Did he unload the dishwasher? Does he wake up by himself? Does he do a good job of choosing the clothes he wears each day? Is he kind to a sibling? Find these things and comment on them in a small way. Don’t make a big deal, just quietly let him know what he is good at and that you notice it.
Make home a refuge. School sucks most of the time. Coming home to social expectations is a drag because at his age social expectations are difficult to control. Let him come home to a mom who is interested in the stories of his day, has a nice healthy treat, laughs at his jokes, asks him to flex his muscles, asks him to twist off a tight lid (you can do it- but ask him), shows him a funny clip on youtube, and so on. IN addition to normal chores, give him manly chores (stuff that requires heavy lifting and ladders) and have expectations for academic performance.
Pray. Know that this will be tough and that he will struggle. Pray for parenting wisdom, what to say and do that will bless your child. My dad encouraged me to pray about parenting and I didn’t really do it. Finally when things got to a point where I was crying in my pillow, I prayed and found that amazing ideas would come to mind in a sharp way and I would use those ideas and they would help. Roll out of bed, land on your knees, and ask for guidance.
Try to enjoy it and know that it all works out. I had a child who had very few friends. He didn’t enjoy school at all. Thank goodness that he was not my first child and I had mellowed out. I was able to let him be himself – a loner – and love him up at home. Now he feels like the BMOC (big man on campus) where his unique personality is valued as an asset. Try to focus on the man he will become rather than the middle school/high school mess he has to deal with now.
One more thing – Dad is a big deal right now. He needs to be doing stuff with Dad – everything from going to Lowe’s to fishing to yard work – they are a team. Teenagers really need Dad.
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There you go. What advice to you have for parents in this situation?
8 comments:
Robin, you are spot on. Here's a snippet from my previously friendless life, to supply your blog-buddy with a real-life AMEN to everything you've said. Get comfy, this is a little lengthy!
My family moved for the first time when I was in the middle of 8th grade. I grew up having the same 6 sweet, strong, funny girl friends my entire life. We stuck together & we had LOTS of fun! When we moved, I found myself as the only girl my age who went to my church at my school. A little daunting, but doable. I was friendly. I was smart. I was sure I'd make friends. The first few days at my new school, the obviously popular kids invited me to hang out with them during lunch. They were nice, & showed me around, & introduced me to all the other cool kids, but I realized that I was really uncomfortable around them. They talked about things that were inappropriate. Their language was coarse. Their stories of past adventures together made me squirm. And they were planning parties that I hoped I wouldn’t be invited to.
I knew I had to make a choice. {And I believe that one, difficult choice, had a huge role in who I am today.} I did the unthinkable. I took myself out of the popular crowd. Starting the next week, I ate lunch outside, by myself. I quickly realized, that people thought there was something seriously wrong with me since I chose to drop out of the in-crowd. I ate lunch alone, I sat alone, I walked home alone, the rest of the year. It was extremely difficult. But I knew I had made the right choice.
Looking back: Did I tell my parents about the reasons behind my monumental decision that no friends were better than those friends? Nope. Not sure why. But I know I didn't divulge that at the time.
One of the most devastating moments of my life, was overhearing my Dad on the phone with the mom of a girl at my school - asking if her daughter could be my friend. I was mortified! I know he loves me, and was so hurt watching me struggle, but that made it oh so much worse!
I had played sports at my previous Jr. high, but I really wasn't very good. As I entered high school in my new town, my Dad, who I adore, made me try out for volleyball. I was 5'9" as a freshman, so I made the team on height alone. My skills surely didn’t win the coaches over! I kind of hated it. I was not a stellar player, and my team knew it. Instead of me finding friends there, I felt like all of those girls resented me and my lousy attempts at spiking, digging & passing.
After that season, and a lot of begging, my parents let me quit sports, and try out some things that I really enjoyed, namely: Theater, Mock Trial, International Relations League, Brain Bowl, etc. And wouldn't you know it, I felt way more comfortable in those venues. I still, only found one truly close friend: a skinny, nerdy boy, who I defended on a daily basis against accusations of his sexual preference {turns out, he really is gay, but I didn't know it at the time}. But he was the best of best friends. We spent all of our spare time together. We liked the same things, we laughed together, we cried together, we grew up together.
I ended up moving again the summer before my Senior year. I found new friends in my new town, left for college as soon as I could, and found myself there.
At the risk of sounding cocky, I think I turned out just fine. I am now a confident, self-sufficient, loving woman with several amazing friends {including Robin}, with an awesome {& handsome, & athletic} husband, and four great kids who I know I will stress over just as much as my Dad did about me.
I am living proof that being a little nerdy, being a little friendless, and being non-athletic, is not the end of the world, especially when you have a parent {like your blogging friend} who is concerned about you, and who encourages you in all the right ways. Take it from someone who has been there: Follow Robin's advice, and though it won’t be easy now, your son will be a.o.k.!
Cumorah - thanks for sharing that story. I admire you for making that difficult choice in 8th grade. And you are right about it all working out in the end regardless of how much or how little fretting we do!
Robin,
You give fabulous advice.
I ate lunch by myself through the 7th and 8th grade. Best growing experience ever, the ability to be comfortable alone is a skill set that is typically only learned through lonliness.
Looking back at being a total nerd in Jr. High, I'm grateful, really really grateful. I hope my kids are nerds.
Middle School is the worst time of a teenager's development, at least it was for my kids. Seems they are plagued with self esteem issues and they are concerned that everyone seems to have friends but them. Robin, you gave great advice to combat that.
Amen.
nice job robin. you are a great friend to a great many. i love this advice.
You give great advice and we are lucky to call you friend! I needed to hear that too. Thanks!
this is the perfect outline for a parenting book--How to Act Like an Adult with your Adolescent.
this is the perfect outline for a parenting book--How to Act Like an Adult with your Adolescent.
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